I went down on this bird once who's muff scent was that of a burger from one of those wretched vans. I made my excuses and made her give me a nosh instead.

Not as bad as the time I got absolutely bollocksed and took this bird back to her house. Can't remember a thing until I woke in the morning to see that she was bald as a coot on top and her syrup was on her bedroom floor next to her knickers. Thing was, she was very good looking and me an my mates were all trying to get hold of her the night before. The conniving charlatan whore.

It's fair to say I've done some glorious stunners in my time, but there are definitely a few rotters thrown in to blemish my record.