During the most recent World Cup bidding there were pictures of
Prince William, David Beckham and David Cameron in Switzerland doing their best
for the Three Lions. Apart from the Private Eye headline of “Posh and Posh and
Becks” my favourite comment was from Jules, an old friend of ours from Mangler days whose
Facebook comment read, “Never has the game of Shag Marry Kill been so easy”.
Assuming promotion this season (and yes, I realise that’s no
formality) and having a bit of too much time on my hands I reckon it’s time for
our own Shag Marry Kill as we look at our current squad.
Robert Green: Simply exceptional this season. If we don’t get promoted he
leaves. If he do, he may leave anyway. Rush the fucking cock-teaser up the aisle. Marry.
Ruud Boffin: Rubbish. Behind Henri Lansbury in the goalkeeping pecking order. Kill.
Marek Stech: That reported £750,000 for two more games must weigh heavy when it’s unlikely he’d fetch that amount on the open market. Kill.
Peter Kurucz: I’m told the Hungarian is the keeper at the club most highly rated behind Green. I imagine we’ll replace Boffin with a more experienced No2 No1 but Kurucz could be a work in progress. Shag.
Winston Reid: Disastrous in the Premier League last time out
he’s hardly impressed in the Championship despite an extended run. Kill.
George McCartney: A tidy player who knows his limitations and with Premier League
experience you would think we will put in a small offer to Sunderland. He may
have to settle for being back up to a new man, though. Marry.
James Tomkins: Fully recovered now from The Project you
would imagine him to be an automatic starter. Marry. With a right good Cockney knees/bust up at the reception.
Abdoulaye Faye: All too easy for the big man in this
division I wonder if it might be difficult, difficult, lemon, difficult a
division above. Injury prone too. Shag. Wear a condom though.
Joey O’Brien: An inspiration to all with his attitude I’m afraid his ability at right back is not that of the Premier League. Difficult one this. Shag.
Julien Faubert. Wants to go back to France. Out of our hands. Suicide.
Guy Demel: Who can say?
Kevin Nolan: Captain Courageous or Outrageous depending on your opinion, I don’t think anyone would deny his place in a Premier League side. Oh, hang on, there’s a Mr Pardew on the line… Marry.
Jack Collison: Another difficult one. Young Jack’s form and
fitness still don’t appear to have recovered from a long lay-off with
knee-knack. A reluctant sale with hefty sell-on clause might be the way
forward? Kill. Softly. With Our Love.
Matt Taylor: Too much time off this time out he may lack the pace required for the Premier League. Perhaps a move back to full-back could be order of the day. Marry.
Mark Noble: Has finally, finally become the player some of us hoped. Lacks the explosive pace to become a top four player but plenty good enough for us. Marry.
Papa Bouba Diop. We wanted a wardrobe so we called in THE Wardrobe. Seen better days. Kill.
Henri Lansbury. Damaged goods, return to sender. Death by Royal Mail.
Ravel Morrison. I detect a whiff of Eau De Baldock about
young Rav. We all desperately want him to succeed. Marry. But don't expect monogamy.
Gary O’Neil: Good player who’s proved himself in the top
flight I seriously wonder if he can ever regain full fitness. Shag. carefully.
Sam Baldock: Hasn’t exactly set the division alight following his step up from League One. Hasn’t the gamecraft (yet) for the top flight. Shag.
Nicky Maynard. I have high hopes he can be a 15-goal-a-season top flight scorer. Might have to settle for some time on the bench. Marry.
Carlton Cole. Attitude and confidence good, ability always a doubt. He loves it here. Shag.
John Carew/Freddie Piquionne. Kill. Kill. KILL…
Ricardo Vaz Te. Big, powerful, fast. Un-nippy. The fans will loath him. Sam’ll love him. Marry.
Freddie Sears. Gillingham or somesuch await. Kill.
Frank Nouble: See Freddie Sears. Already been told he won’t be kept on. Kill.
